when in doubt, ESCAPE

Chill with Dr Agon

2012-01-25T06:39:00.000-08:00

CNY eve eve (Saturday 21st): Sleepover with Abi Tan and Sarah Sim ~ fishtail braid tumblringgg till 3am!!!

CNY eve (Sunday 22st): Chinese New Year service! Lunch at Malaysian Food Street at RWS and Reunion Dinner

CNY day 1 (Monday 23rd): Bai Nian at pohpoh and grandpa's place.

At night, began preparing for my interviews while yknow, being inspired by my Show...and before I know it, I get a call and I'm off with my seniors to go PRAWNING AT JURONG AT 1030pm. got home at 3am, kinda got in a bit of trouble along the way :s we caught heaps, almost a whole bag full, but the net fell into the water :( !!! so we...well, this is a bit embarassing to document. Safe to say our prawning session was successful in unconventional ways - we had such a laugh it was great :) BUT no photos.

CNY day 2 (Tuesday 24th): Went some visiting in the morning, then Nandos for lunch!!! :D one of the best family lunches we have had, because of food and the family :) then 3pm came round and it was party time at the Nyamtana with people in and out- family on both sides, the Lims Wengs and some others here and there, plus the seniors popped by again!!! hahaha this is quite hilarious because of how whimsical and bizarre everything was. People from all corners of the earth (ok fine, Perth and Singapore, different batches at the same school and councils and churches). A lot of eating, talking, laughing, talking, cards, nerdy math games but heaps of fun still :) I still can't quite grapple with how bizarre the whole gathering was but it was charryqq ttm!

CNY day 3 (Wednesday 25th): Early morning breakfast at Whampoa market with the Lim clan! GOLF WITH MY PAPA AFTER almost 4 YEAR HIATUS. Hit one basket at the range, then we decided to go play 9 holes at Sime. With a bit of help here and there hehe I hit 49! 49 49 49 sub 50 is amazeing for a 4 year break even with a bit of assisstance :)

Sorting out my brain

2012-01-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO MY 20TH YEAR OF EXISTENCE

Past 2 weeks have been so busy I hardly had the time to sit and smile to myself to wish myself that officially.

So what's going on in my life? Heaps of things. I try to think a lot, channeling my energy into productive activities :) But every once in a while letting loose, and having some brainless fun ;) Life is painless, for the brainless, right?

In trying to sort out various segments of my life, things are starting to come together. So here it is, me coming to terms with where I am in life.

I'm done with official schooling. In what is supposed to be the freest holiday of my life, I've been cooped up in hospitals, after hospitals. Cold theatres, chilling diagnoses. And in the afternoons, going back to my alma maters. Some days in AC, some days in MG. But always fantastic ways to round off my day :) These are things I discovered want to do for the rest of my life.

These are things I discovered about myself: I've never been a good listener. I like making heaps of noise. I like being around sounds; talking, music, typing. Don't get me wrong I like listening, I fancy the way I've been brought up, I am good with giving advice even. But the initial part of listening, and just listening alone, is tough :(

In this, I am reminded the importance of listening, especially in prayer. Praying isn't about clasping your hands together, closing your eyes, bowing your head and talking. First we thank, we ask for forgiveness then we bring our petitions. But it doesn't end there. After that we must listen. Too often I pack my life so much so that I don't leave myself time to listen.

I've been asking God for what He would have me do in my life. He's sent me great blessings, surrounding me with friends and sisters in Christ who have been with me, encouraging me and encouraging me to trust. But then there are those others, who provide a different perspective. It's really confusing, but everyone gets that, at different points in their lives.

Sorting out this confusion thing is going alright. And I'm convinced it'll get better :) Trust, right?

Life gave me lemonade, and I can't imagine why :) Now to get out of bed, and get ready to face a brand new day. Going to be great :)

Keeping reading to remind yourself

2012-01-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student :Yes

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smell your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends /colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN

P.P.S.

I believe this is why God made Einstein a genius ;)

At 19 years

2012-01-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

These things I did for my birthday: Had dinner with my favourite subcomm the Salers with EWF then Matt's ice-cream at Wendy's. Always having the best times. We grew together :) on the day itself: Had my pohpoh drive me halfway around Singapore in pursuit of numerous ...adventures..., inwardly laughing to myself the whole time, being semi surprised at my lovely friends being in my house when I got back, having Steamboat!, had some programme which included hitting a Piniata, watched some Grey's, slept and woke up went to the hospital :D, went out shopping with Michelle and Abi Tan with Koi in hand!, decided on my colour of the year while in Zara, cleverly took a cab from Paragon and got a Merc cab! Plus a platinum driver! sang happy birthday to myself in the ride home because I was so pleased, went for dinner at Otto with my family and the Lims, took many many photos, thanked God for the blessing of family (which includes the Lims!), came home and replied 197 Facebook wall posts, uploaded my photos, looked at my presents and was very happy, lay down in bed, and went to sleep, thinking of the possibilities of my 20th year of existence.

2012-01-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

Past week been attached at Changi General Hospital - can't decide whether it was the best or worst.

On one hand it's been really great, met some absolutely fantastic people. I've been blessed, to witness the Lord working, even in something as secular and earthly as a regular job. I see it as the beauty of the profession really. In dealing with life and death, and things in between, I can say I've seen how the Lord is able to transform lives, and use His people to work in that of others.

One of the days, I had the privilege of hearing a patient share his story, and I was touched. I was between declaring it the best, or worst day, I've had in a long time.

So often, I let things of this world take a hold of me. Temptations, in many forms. They may seem harmless - perhaps a good laugh with some of the girls at a crush, the constant search for more material goods to fill an insatiable vacuum. This hole can't be filled with such things though, and it takes a lot from me to keep reminding myself of that. Contentment and gratitude that comes with remembering all our Jehovah Jireh has provided for us; allowing God to be the Big man he is, to increase in our lives as we decrease. These things we've heard a thousand times, nonetheless we need reminding a thousand more.

Good time of lunch and fellowship with my new friend I met at attachment, rejoicing about God's work in our lives. I'm glad to have had the past week.

People say they believe in God, but do they trust?

My attachment in summary: Learning (obviously), decisions, typing...Heaps of typing, talking, breaks at the Housemen's cafe, afternoons off!!! hunt for cute doctor, texting bea with live streaming of updates of sightings of cute doctor, shouted at by Hokkien aunty, new friends in a small world, Mr Pang, faith and trust.

~
In the afternoons I was free, I took many trains. 21 stops between Simei and Clementi and a few others in between. Went back to AC on Wednesday for Open House AND WAS VERY GLAD. "In gear" and all hahahahahahah (what transpired from my texts with bea), MG on Thursday and Friday was great also.

Looks like a good weekend ahead too. Tomorrow: band practice, lunch with the girlies, 3G and Wicked at night. Sunday: Church Anniversary+lunch, Sales dinner :D

Many exciting things to come in the following week too, but mostly praise God for being that ever present constant in all our lives.

2012-01-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

2011 passed by too quickly, I realise. Pretty sure I missed out a few here and there, but reading some of my old posts made me happy I took the time to document those monumental moments of my life.

Trying to make sense of what was supposed to be a fantastic year for me, I'm finding great difficulty. Perhaps having a jam-packed December didn't help much either. Fantastic because I've learnt that through trials and tribulation, struggles and stress, like fire to clay, we're refined into something much harder, more beautiful. But thing is, I don't quite see that in me at this point in time.

The A levels were, and hence my A level year was, particularly difficult for me. I wouldn't say I'm stupid, but I say in full confidence that I'm not very smart either. Throwing myself so willingly into so many commitments (to which I have no regrets) did not help the situation either. I find nothing else to lay the blame on but myself, so I sigh and pat myself on the back, trying to remind myself that God allowed these things to happen for a reason. Like in Steve Job's Stanford commencement address, looking forward (sometimes even into only the recent past really), it's tough to join the dots. My dots just haven't aligned yet.

Instead, I'm trying to find joy in and be grateful for the grace that God has shown me, despite my inadequacies. My council journey was nothing short of a miracle. I stand in awe of how the Lord has worked through the 35ths and grown us, each in different ways. I'm not sure where I got this from, but I distinctly remember a vision I had personally for my council: to grow. One of the first and most universal concepts I learned from Lang Arts in Sec 1. No matter where your starting point is, at the finishing line, you should have grown. This growth doesn't come easy, it takes a conscious effort and lotsa help+prayer. I guess because growth is so intangible, it's an unattainable goal. You just keep growing. Bane or boon, you decide.

Having said that, a sudden realisation dawned upon me. As I was reading Joshua 1:1-9, we are reminded that as God was with Moses and His people before, He would also be with Joshua. God is the constant in our lives as we grow and when things change all around us.

This new year isn't a 'new start' where the past can be nicely archived into blogposts. Rather, my life is a work in progress, with the same God that was with me before, is with me now and will be with me for a long time to come.

I think I'm more ready for the new year now :)

2012-01-06T00:36:00.000-08:00

IB results came out today and I'm so proud of my friends. Not just for their results but for the effort they all put in. Especially proud of my best friend of 8 years Michelle Chan and my bimbo sharing-husband friend Beatrice. Not forgetting Xiang!!! and Anna and Chris and heaps more that I don't yet know about. But like I said, God does work for the good of those who love Him and seek to honour His name in all that they do. He has everything in His hands and will work His plans in our lives :)

OGL day camp!!! Made me so happy. Not justtt because of the reason that only Rach/Ame/Sam knows... hehe But because being back to school was just fantastic!!! During mass rally, the adrenaline rush was deathly. Love it. Wish I were reliving it again for real. Sigh

The arrival of 2012

2012-01-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

Every year we celebrate the coming of a New Year, yet each year only comes once. Every year comes and goes, each different. Every year brings surprises, nice or noxious, new challenges that shock or reveal strength, renewed hope with the promise of peace and love, enough to go around for all.

2011 was my A level year. My last of 12 years of formal education. It was the year of 35ths. School was a large part of my life. Hours spent with the OGLs during Orientation (even from the previous years' J1 EOY hols I LOVED THOSE DAYS :)) with SMOCAP at night at that muddy pit of doom that I will NEVER forget (LOL), JCAH, cockroaches AHHH, falling asleep in the council room at nights when we weren't supposed to (and in the day as well haha, or during meetings)...CLEANING THE COUNCIL ROOM, various other Adhocs, rehearsals, speeches, coming back to school on Saturdays Sundays and Holidays , ushering after ushering, and manymanymany other college related activities. School hours were made bearable, and even in the rare occasion...enjoyable :), with the help of some special classmates and other beautiful friends. When times were hard, I had those special friends who were God sent, for sure. Studying for exams was another interesting chapter of my life, from camping out in the Library in The Hole, sneaking cereal into the Hub, serving and eating free dinners...to study sleepovers that never lacked naps and Disney cartoons and Youtube with X factor on. Getting a twitter account, and a tumblr as well. Music, photos, teenybopping hehe.

Then the exams came. Let's not even go there. But by prayer and petition and lotsa support, I made it through with the peace of mind :)

After exams flew by! A bit of attachments, Senior's Night plus post prom hehe, Mission trip!!! then LA and Vegas, and here I am now, sitting in the lounge of LAX on my way back to Singapore in the new year.

Wonder what 2012 has in store for me.

2011-12-22T04:35:00.000-08:00

Sad, a little, to be out of town for Christmas and New Years. Who know what I might be missing then... But happy as well. Perhaps a break from all the hustle and bustle might be good?

Last night Formation 4 + 2 + our Irish buddie Lianne we all went out like rebels (okay only me, staying out past curfew and all) to Timbre. I was reminded of God's blessing of friendship. There are a few things I've been praying for consistently this year, thanking Him for, and though they may not know it, this is one of them.

In case I decide to freak out tomorrow because I haven't started packing, Merry Christmas to one and all, have a blessed 2012 ahead. May the festive season bring group joy, peace and love to you.

2011-12-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

Pretty sure you used to read this, I wonder if you still do

Finally back from Mission trip - nothing less than what I expected. Naturally I'd compare it to the 09 trip, and in some ways this trip did pale in comparison. I did feel God's presence, but much more strongly in 09, though this time, in different ways.

Once again was not very prepared because of exams. The feel was a bit different, us being the older ones in the group, having to set an example for the younger ones, instead of feeding off the spiritual mentorship of the adults. In some ways I missed that from 09, sessions where God's presence just filled the place and overwhelmed me. Perhaps it was because I went for the full trip that year and only half this year.

Nonetheless, I thank God for everything that transpired. For being the constant in all our lives when we falter and lose faith, when we forget who we are, forget our identity in Him. For blessing us here in Singapore, and for the smallest of blessings to our Thai and Lahu brothers and sisters, for allowing us the opportunity to go up every year to share some of our blessing with them, and of course, for allowing them to bless us in ways indescribable with their love and sincerity.

Despite everything that happened, (not just this year, but from 04, 05 and 09) I can't help but notice this nagging feeling within me. I told one of my friends a secret once, and it's been haunting me ever since - if that was the truth? or if it was a story weaved by the voice of a young, naive girl.

What would it take for somebody, for me, to tell someone that I loved them?

During the trip, one person said this to me, simple and plain, in an awkward moment, if i do say so myself haha. But it hit my between the eyes, caught entirely unaware. Up till today, I don't know if he meant it romantically or as a sister in Christ way. and I'm not sure if it matters.

But that got me thinking. What would it take for me to tell you I loved you? What would that mean? There are times I'm convinced we were meant to be; everything points to it. Maybe not romantically, but even just as friends, closer than we are now. But perhaps its not something on your life's agenda. Well if you read this, you'd know I was talking about you, I'm sure of it. And what you didn't know was that one the reasons I never got together with anyone before was because of you. Pray, won't you, and ask God to reveal His plans.

2011-12-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Been a rough night. But not too bad.

Important things to do before sleep:
Finish this
Email cheche
Update phone with songs

2011-12-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

Past fews days: attachment = heaps of fun, meeting up with xiang! shopping bits, movies a few...stuff teenagers do on holiday. Also

Been sick, and with being sick comes wishing for people to leave me alone. I am becoming some form of a recluse as of late. But it suits me well anyways.

Immersed myself in The Hunger Games series over the past 2 days and it is amazemax. I am very pleased. When I read I hurl myself into this whole other world where nothing and no one exists except for the characters, and myself. Perhaps that's the reason I cannot read some books. Books I cannot connect with.

Saving the 3rd installation for Lahu, for which I will be leaving tomorrow morning!!! yayyy excited max, but please I hope to be well by then.

Promise of greater things to come to be done, I am thrilled at the thought of it!

For now, few last things to do before I leave tomorrow: pack, of course, get well, finish some uni stuff. Then go out for lunch with Godma EngKhin and Andrea, then come home and rest :)

and o'course congratulations to the little muuffins!!! x

2011-12-12T07:26:00.001-08:00

Caesar: “Handsome lad like you. There must be some special girl. Come on, what’s her name?”
Peeta: “Well, there is this one girl. I’ve had a crush on her ever since I can remember. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t know I was alive until the reaping.”
Caesar: “She have another fellow?”
Peeta: “I don’t know, but a lot of boys like her.”
Caesar: “So, here’s what you do. You win, you go home. She can’t turn you down then, eh?”
Peeta: “I don’t think it’s going to work out. Winning…won’t help in my case”
Caesar: “Why ever not?”
Peeta: “Because…because…she came here with me.”

I Simply Live, For You

2011-12-09T07:56:00.001-08:00

Say the word, and I will sing for you
Over oceans deep I will follow

If each star was a song,
and every breath of wind praise,
it will still fail by far to say,
all my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live
For You

As the glory of your presence now fills this place,
in worship we will see You face to face
There is nothing in this world
to which You can be compared
glory upon glory,
praise upon praise

You bind the brokenhearted and
Saved all my tears
By Your word You set the captives free
There's nothing in this world that You cannot do

I simply live, I simple live
For You

On the Bus, musings

2011-12-05T07:55:00.001-08:00

Today was an exceedingly good day, somehow. And I think I know why - I saw hope.

Got up early, feeling quite happy. With my new enlarged bed, and room all to myself, I had the freedom to do anything I wanted. First thing I did was to wake up and listen to little mix on the x factor semis. It made my day to see them pull another amazing performance out of the bag. Of course, I had my daily dose of one direction :D then I got ready for a full day in church :)

First time I've been back and around for a long time, going for lifegroup, staying for service and mission trip preparations after. I realise this is what I love. Fellowship. Even if it were just a few sentences, I do believe there was some heart behind it all, and that really encourages me. I will keep praying. No matter what the circumstances. Dear God, please be close to my friends.

All the more excited for the trip now; looking forward to what God has in store for us :)

Today in lifegroup we learnt about Jesus. One bit that really struck me was a small segment on the Holy Spirit. This spirit is all encompassing - and I wonder why I didn't realise this before. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. This verse that I've lived by over the past 15 months, and I just learnt this. The presence of the Holy Spirit manifests itself in us as the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Easy to understand, seemingly simple. But a powerful idea.

I thank God for revealing Himself to me as he has done, especially over the past few years. I've been learning so much, but there are so many more ways in which I am lacking. I do earnestly hope and pray that I will be atuned to His voice and gentle nudging, that I may live a life that glorifies His name.

Hold on tight and never let go

2011-12-03T08:44:00.001-08:00

This week has shed new light on something I know as friendship. I've had a few good friends. Some came and went. Some stayed and we grew/are growing together.

School's out for good. With no more official hours with the people I've had to face day in day out over the past 2 years, the responsibility of maintaining a strong friendship now rests all the more heavily on our shoulders. Especially friends far away.

I'm one who finds it had to be a friend. To listen, and to confide in another. Where this stemmed from, I am not sure. But this is how I am.

Once in a rare while, you find a friend. One who understands you so intimately that it just works. Call it magic, call it fate, whatever you wanna call it, be eternally grateful, and never for a moment turn your eye or let go. Friends are really special.

2011-11-29T23:12:00.001-08:00

Time: 3:12 ~ this time tomorrow, I'll be done! But till then, setting myself some restrictions so as to break the cycle of lethargy (and distraction by, various means) that has set in since....yesterday afternoon. And not as if many interesting things are going on; searching for distractions is wayyy more time consuming than actually being distracted I reckon.

20 question blocks - let's cooperate and do some good bio

In other news, (before my new short term resolution sets in) ISHG has been born. I thrive on guilty pleasures. shmeheh

Happy on a rainy day

2011-11-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

I can't wait for December to come soon; "Live life for the moment, because everything else is uncertain" ~ Louis Tomlinson

2011-11-25T01:08:00.001-08:00

I decided to post this, a funny thought. I credit this to the heavenly Koi I just downed in record timing. Parallel Abby Scuito's Cafpow addiction, I reckon I'm climbing the ranks to join her up there.

But I digress.

So yes, things I will be praying for in the coming days/weeks:

1. For my last 3 exams, of course. For the good God who has brought me through to give me perseverance to last these LAST 6 DAYS! (which reminds me, tomorrow begins another cycle of '5 days left' - How time flies!)

2. For...(I'm not sure the right word for this) triumph? over my one direction addiction. hahaha It's getting quite bad. I say the word 'bad' in the best way possible hehehe

3. For safety of my friends, wherever they are. And health for my family.

4. For One Direction. That they may never go on drugs or become party animals so much so that they lose sight of themselves and become really gross. In otherwords that they stay sane, love their fans, and continue making good music and funny videos for me to watch on youtube.

5. For peace in the world and good weather.

I can't love you more than this

2011-11-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbtqUoLYd08&feature=related

2011-11-24T07:50:00.000-08:00

i used to have a bed in perth. with an electric blanket. by the window on the first floor. with a eukalyptus tree hanging outside my window. and no fence around our house. we had an orange tree, that bore real fruit. full of vitamins! i'd go out to harvest them, every few months. when we visited our house in perth. we had a back door that didn't close proper, and a front door that slammed too often. a room at the back with nothing but a carpetted floor and a fireplace. we'd run from the car to the house in the winter months, turn on the gas fireplace and sit around listening to the radio. the floor was always clean, thanks to robby the robomop. i'd run in the mornings, 4 rounds around the estate. the cold air would pierce my lungs and when i was done i'd lie on the grass outside our house till the construction man from next door started giving me weird looks. we'd take a ride to herdsman, to inaloo, to karinyupp, to st.marys down that drive by scarborough beach where we'd see the sky touch the sea (photos never did that justice) and to the lim's house! the air was good, the company was good. for those few days, i knew every moment i was blessed. now back here, i wish i was there. reality says no, and somewhere in me i've accepted that. but sometimes, simagining, wishing, hoping - that might help me sleep better at nights.

2011-11-16T23:48:00.001-08:00

So. Officially passed the halfway point of the long awaited A levels (yay!); hasn't been the best of rides, but hey, Hannah tells me Life's a climb right? I am often reminded that while circumstances may go awry, things may not go the way we envision or dream (quite literally) they will, but above everything, God is that constant in our lives. Amen to that and halleujah indeed.

Having a short break before getting back on my horse and charging to the next hurdle, got me thinking about my past 2 years and about what is to come. Pretty excited about it all I must say :D but trying to contain the excitement till after the exams are over!

Exciting things lined up: Mission trip, US trip with the Tans (OMGOMGOMG I REALLY CANNOT WAIT), catching up with friends, starting work at MG, visiting our juniors and reminiscing on our time in AC etc etc etc

Oh gosh I'm really quite excited he he he but no, Must contain it for 2 more weeks. 14 days, 336 hours, 20160 minutes, 1209600 seconds - give and take a little.

It's hard, sometimes, to enjoy the grueling process of putting my nose to the grindstone and really working it out. to have that focus and discipline to press on despite being tired, distracted (ONE DIRECTION HA HA HA) or just plain lazy. But I think (or like to think) I'm learning. And remember all the times God has been faithful to me in my life, never once leaving me to my own devices and struggle with only human will and power to fight with. He's been there. He's planned it all. It's hard to see the good in current circumstances, but it helps having faith that one day I'll look back, the stars will align, and I'll be able to join the dots and see how everything fits into place.

For now, God give me strength to focus! please

For greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done

2011-10-31T21:09:00.001-07:00

Get this off my chest before I get down to this afternoon's regime:

1. I love One Direction. (just sayin')

2. SometimesI let myself get caught up in everything - school, exams, studying, I forget the most basic, primitive, simple things in life that have sustained me all this while. I diminish the importance of having a good, godly character, in caring of others, in appreciating the beauty of life. When I spin my swiveling chair around, and gaze out my octagonal windows surrounding me, listen to the joyful banter of birds in the trees, feast my eyes on new blossoms of frangipani...and of course marvel at God's creation of man and music, I remember who I truly am, and my life feels more complete.

In the last week leading up to the beginning of the A's:

7 days. Enough. Carpe diem. Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

I often wonder if I should regret certain things I have done (or have not done), but I forget that God has allowed all that has happened in my life to happen for a reason. On my part, I strive to glorify His almighty name in all that I do, and pray and hope my actions, words and thoughts are pleasing in His sight. But he has determined by future. The thought of that gives me peace.

So I study, mentally tired, but at peace. For my God is great, and when I am weak, He is strongest.

The sweetest thing.

2011-10-13T21:07:00.001-07:00

Officially graduated from ACJC yesterday, 13th October 2011. Many seniors say being in AC has been the best thing that has ever happened to them, that some of their best times were in ACJC. One question I find running incessantly in my mind: Has being in AC been the best thing that has happened to ME?

I feel the slightest pang of regret at times, thinking about possibilities in friendships that could have blossomed. But I also know that I don't fit into cliques. I don't invest half as much time into friendships as i should, because I fear loss - loss of a good friend, in this case. You can't lose what you don't have, right? Perhaps I wished some things turned out differently.

Regardless, taking myself out of this insular perspective and looking at the bigger scheme of things: I've gotten to know many incredible people. From principals, to teachers, to peers, seniors, juniors, even cleaners, security guards, Mo (I'm not sure what his job is haha) etc etc etc. Looking back, I'm glad I don't fit into cliques. Being 'free' has allowed (or perhaps directed) me to make new friends, build relationships elsewhere.

People deserve to be appreciated. And you can't do that if you don't get to know them first.

Yet at the same time, the sweetest gesture of a stranger made my day yesterday. That would turn out to be one of two sweetest things that happened to me yesterday, that I will cherish for a long time to come.

It was after the baccalaureate service. It was chaos, running around, taking photos, hunting for teachers. I was in the hall, getting ready to go. Then a J1 girl came up to me. She had been hovering around for a while, but since I did not know her, I didn't for a moment think she was waiting to talk to me. She called out, 'Abigail'. So I turned around, and she passed me a note. It was small, simple, but it had my name drawn out in beautiful penmanship on the cover. It was for me. Initially I was stunned, thinking she was a messenger passing a note from some other junior of mine. But she explained herself, saying the note was from her.

As I sat down at my table that night and began opening my notes, I read hers first. It was truly, the sweetest thing. A complete stranger, with such simple, nice words and well wishes.

The second thing happened a while later. We were taking photos with our Econs tutor. In case no one heard my vivid description of her in my last 2 speeches, we haven't exactly had the most smooth sailing ride with her. But it's strange, and amazing, how things turn out the way they do. While we stood around waiting for everyone to get in order, she turned to me and congratulated me on my prayer and speech I had delivered that day. It was simple words, but I just knew it came from her heart. Beyond that stern stoic exterior, she really does care.

Having the privilege of being surrounded by people who genuinely care, even the most unexpected people, who reflect God's boundless love to me - that's how I've been blessed in ACJC.

Many a time I also wonder if being in council was the right decision for me. My academics suffered, other opportunities were forgone. But then I remember, who am I to question? I don't look back with any regrets, because I have gained tremendously from my experiences in council. I've had the privilege of getting to know so many people and being touched by them too. I've stretched my horizons, and rolled around laughing and learning in the process. Furthermore, I did not choose to be in council. I chose to run sure, but God's hand led me to be a 35th, He chose me as President. I must never forget that.

God chose, and He gave us choices.

You helped me cross my heart.

2011-09-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

Week 2 of our last term in school has gone by rather eventfully, if I do say so myself.

I am humbled by the magnitude of grace that has been given unto me, despite my being ever so unworthy. Truly- God being with me, nothing can be against me.

Inspire: a tribute

For the writer, who had his style, that made me want to reinvent myself too

For the artistes, who seemed to be able to encapsulate each emotion with a steady rhythm and a slew of meaningful lyrics

For the performers, who exuded vibrancy and lured the audience in with their ease on stage

For the sportsmen, who grit their teeth and groaned in frustration, but put up a fight, all the way

For the teacher, who goes the extra mile to make you see you're capable of that much more

For the senior, who sat and talked and gave advice, and never once stopped caring

For the junior, who brought new perspectives into old ideas and aged notions

For the classmate, who reached out, and made each day that much more bearable

For the stranger, who stood by who he was, even though everyone stared with raised eyebrows, or didn't see him at all

For the friend, who sees you for who you are, and never once gave up on you

For helping me see that life is is that much bigger - You know who you are.

& Thanks.

Some days seem boring. The daily routine may seem mundane. But as Russell from Up nicely puts it, "That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most." It's the simplest, most ordinary day to day happenings that we often take for granted the most. These small things add up, and eventually find their place in the bigger scheme of things.

Jeremiah 29:11 "...For I know the plans for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

2011-09-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Life isn't easy. Life isn't perfect.

My life isn't easy. My life isn't perfect. But.

I've learnt to seek and find joy in living. with the peace of God (peace indeed, that transcends all human understanding), guarding my heart; keeping me sane.

I'm decently smart. Not outstandingly. Nor am I exceedingly hardworking or driven either. I do alright in school. Not as well as I would like, but I'm not complaining. I do admire people who do well academically, for various traits and of course downright intelligence.

But me? I enjoy being there for people. I like playing the role of a nurturer. Call me selfish but I like to know that what I do with what God has given me makes an impact on the lives of others. It's absolutely bizzare and ironic; I can't fully grapple with it just yet.

I love music. Whether just any ole song on the radio or recommended by a friend, classical, live, techno, songs of praise, even hymns! by a solo, a band, or a choir in the esplanade decked out smartly in their choral attires. Each genre characteristically different. It's my escape. Playing music, watching and listening and admiring talent musicians (especially bass players ;)) watching people groove (yes, I said that forsaken word from the 80s), prance across a stage, jump skip hop, twist turn tumble OH IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

I love sports - the idea of it anyways. What I used to experience in the distant past, the adrenaline, the sweat the smell (haha) the pain aka cramps, the tears, the victory. the team. All the dreaded trainings, and extra practices we scheduled on our own. Morning, recess runs. On TV admiring shots and sets and swings. The way the human body was crafted to do so many different things. INCREDIBLE.

I like sitting. Sitting and watching the world go by. Can't fully describe this yet. because I haven't really experienced this, haha. But I like the idea of it. Surrounded by pretty clothes and pretty shoes and pretty people and pretty scenery. One day.

With so much God has blessed me with. There is none I can do but trust He has the best plans for me. All I gotta do is give my best. A bit of pressure, but with Him, I'll manage.

But I don't cry for myself. I cry out to the Lord for them - dear God help my friends. Just like how you've revealed your amazing works in and to me. It helps to be grounded, but it's difficult.

But, I'll praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands. because you are who you are; no matter who/what/where I am. Every tear we've cried, you hold in your hands. and though our hearts are torn... We will praise you in this storm.

2011-08-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ask, and it will be given unto you; search and you will find; knock, and the door will be open unto you. Matthew 7:7

Been a trying month for me. Our first round of test - Prelims, sandwiched by what was and what is playing out to be the most stressful period of my year yet.

My walk with Christ always seems as such: when all is well, I know He's there. I don't doubt His presence and I am overflowing with thanksgiving for His love, mercy and grace for me. When times are really tough (e.g. Prelims), I am reminded to depend on Him, trusting that He is in control, with the best plans for me. But it's the in betweens where I fall out of the zone. Times like now. When seemingly nothing significant is happening (just Uni tests, applications, scholarship interviews) or when things just seem to hit me and run, that I flounder. I lose sight of what is important - humility, respect, kindness, and allow my sinful human nature to take over. Once it's done I know immediately it's wrong (not just when he shouts in the middle of a public area). In me, I've been taught that this is wrong. But that's just it - it's done; I committed the deed; there's no taking it back.

Then I blame. Blame the situation. Blame people for not understanding. Blame people for not caring. Fact is, they do. The wrong (more often than not) isn't with them. It's with me. After a while it just gets frustrating.

I can't figure myself out even. So I decide now not to try. Just to live each moment and to make them count. To think before thinking, speaking and acting. May the good Lord fill the emptiness in my life and guide me, and make me whole again.

1. Give my best, but take it slow

2. Put others before myself

3. Put God before everything

It doesn't help that people's expectations of me, not just in results but as a friend and. I don't want to be mean, but I have no time to entertain you. I appreciate concern, but please don't stretch it. That just makes things uncomfortable for us both.

Jesus this one's on you. Thanks.

Tell him that

2011-08-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

And I realize the only thing I know is

She said, I'm in love with some one else she said
I fell in love with some one else and I
I'm in love with some one and that's all that I know for sure

2011-08-03T07:31:00.001-07:00

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

2011-07-31T05:23:00.000-07:00

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it is. I think that’s why she always struggled with God. And I think that’s why she also struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed. But sometimes it’s those things you can’t touch that you need to hold on to the most." ~ Carrie Ryan

When you are in love you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~ Dr. Seuss

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. ~ Roy Croft

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

2011-07-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Shmeh (n): [no intrinsic meaning]; conveys a variable emotion dependent on discretion of user, making use of the word widely applicable in many contexts.

Grace overflowing

2011-07-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

2 Kings 4:1-7

1. God sends us challenges

The widow was indebted a heavy sum of money that she was unable to pay. While God, being all powerful, could have easily solved this problem for her, he used it to demonstrate His power in a miracle.

2. Having faith and surrendering what we have to God

The widow obey Elisha's instructions to use the little oil she had.

3. Tackling these challenges in God's grace but with effort on our part too

The miracle of abundant oil that was made available to the widow to sell and pay off her debts was God's grace upon a faithful servant who seeked His help.

Open the eyes of my heart

2011-07-24T08:06:00.000-07:00

2 Kings 6:8-17 - Dotham was about to be attacked and Elisha's servant was panicking; he didn't understand why Elisha was calm. The difference between them was that Elisha could see God's power.

Too often, I allow the hustle and bustle of this world (keeping up with relationships, Exams etc) to cloud my vision and I am like that servant - falling prey to fear and anxiety feelings that are unfounded or are as nothing in comparison to God's power.

It's only when we open our eyes to the amazing power of God, then we have no fear.

2011-07-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

NUTTER; you just gotta love Thursdays doncha! Long breaks, common breaks, extra classes, one day away from the weekend. Every week brings new surprise. Things don't go according to plan, but hey, it's keeping me on my toes! :)

Faith - in people around you, in yourself, in God. Life just doesn't get any better than when you know for sure that someone out there really cares for you. Truly, and genuinely. Not just for what you've done or what you can do, but for who you are. To know you inside out, to bother to learn more about you.

To those who truly care. As Jamie Oliver says: "Love you lots!" <3

2011-07-19T06:31:00.001-07:00

You won't see much of me anymore.

It's human nature to want to be wanted, to be appreciated. I used to search for that. Not anymore.

I just need to do things.

2011-07-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Parable of the Wandering Sheep

¹⁰ “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. ^[11]

¹² “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ¹³ And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. ¹⁴ In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.

2011-07-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion.
-Finding Nemo

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Or forgetful.
-Peter Pan

Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else.

Nicholas Sparks

When speckled with stars, the sky convinces you that the world is round

2011-07-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Amongst a ton of things I have to/should be doing right now, I have to do this. (Agrim, the post, as promised :))

The first 2 weeks of Term 3 have flown by. Amidst recovering from post June Hols coma, getting back into the swing of things, preparing for Exco Retreat and handover, GOING-NUTS-ENJOYING-EXCO-RETREAT, suffering from Telunas-withdrawal, managing emotions, expectations... Even just getting through each day - I've been finding things tough. I know I shouldn't be complaining because I know out there something is bigger than all of us, something that defines us. It's not what we do today that matters, or how much we accomplish for that matter. I know it, deep down inside. I've strayed, but I still know. Yet at times, in the hustle and bustle of things, I forget. I falter. I fail.

It's hard, not being able to focus. Or rather, wanting to focus on too much and thus not knowing where to focus. I've been so distracted by one thing or another. Things I never had been bothered by before. In seeking approval from friends, in pleasing everyone. In knowing what the right thing to do in the relationship is... yet allowing things to stray from it's course and open new doors that may very well lead to nowhere. It's good while it lasts, but it might not. I hope it does, but you never know. When there are days you just want to lie down under the sun, in the darkness, by the water, on the bed...with books to read and read and read and not be bothered by any concerns, with just one or two friends by your side to while the time away with you. "Everything's happening so fast; I wished it'd all just....stop"

I dream, I imagine, I realise all these things but I just don't know what to do with them.

I can't even bring myself to psycho my own brain through this blog to make myself feel better.

I have no instructions for myself. Not funky catch phrases to ring in my mind. Not even a verse that speaks to me. Running dry. But this I tell myself, a promise that I treasure dearly: that it is when we are weak that God is strong. Enough said.

Crazy things happening these few weeks. Get me through, God.

2011-06-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

Day 1 at Perth has been incredible.

Got in at about 12ish; snuck into the Lim's house and quickly inhabited our usual (if at all) rooms. Feels good to be back :) after about 4 years! Our 2 years in Unwin Avenue were our second home for that period in time, but the Lim's place is always great.

Good news, bringing my bb overseas for the first time, I have internet overseas! and internet connection on my phone means... BBM and Whatsapp! Caught up with a few people... till quite late... and fell asleep halfway hehe, by that time it was about 3. In between Whatsapping, fbing, reading my "Why do buses come in threes?" book... Time flew by.

Before I knew it, it was 7, then 8, then 9ish. Then I woke up! Because... Perth awaited!!! Got ready in a jiffy and was overjoyed to see my godsisters Andrea and Oli and of course Godma Eng Khin :) We left for Claremont soon after my sleepyhead of a sister got up and piled into the new car that I had never seen before!

Many photos, ice chocolate, chocolate, sweets, walking, more photos, laughing and 6 hours later, I had spent a heckalot and am now a very happy girl :) altogether my shopping count stands at: 4 pairs of shoes - 2 heels from Changi, 1 bowling shoes and 1 pocahontas shoes, lots of clothes from FCUK, Sportsgirl and Tigerlily, and 2 bags. IT'S INSANE and I love it.

So we came home, chillaxed for a bit, took more photos watched tv... had Godma EngKhins meepok for dinner and then chillaxed and was awesome for the rest of the night. SO here we are now sitting around the dining table doing our own little things, loving this life.

I can't help but miss Singapore and some people in it... But I mostly hope no one misses me too much, because that would be awkward.

TUROO for tomorrow! I'm so excited for the new day

June Camp 2011

2011-06-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

And now we're back to the beginning, it's just a feeling and no one knows yet.

4 days of intense activity, physical mental emotional. Hysteria.

At the close of June Camp, during our final challenge, I hung there in crunches position and tried to support some fellow 35ths. It was hard. I did not feel strong. But I heard them cheering. And I pushed. Memories of one year ago flooded back into my mind as yells of agony were more and more audible. I told myself I would not cry because that would be of no use. I pushed emotions aside and focused on what I had to do. As 35ths and elects, we did the last 35 and 36 to the best of our ability, though arms shaking, legs cramping. This was our conviction. For our term behind, and their term ahead.

But I saw things, things I did not want to see. And I was mad. Amidst all the emotions that I had put aside, things didn't seem the way I wanted them to and I was haunted. I detest myself for this, though try as I might I was not able to overcome it. But I hid it. Buried it so far deep inside, and pushed.

Reality struck after we had sung the college anthem. Kat came, put her arms around me and congratulated me for the End. My stoic exterior crumbled and I cried.

Our term has flown by, our time in ACJC is coming to a close. Things happen too fast and I can't cope. I fear. But God is my strength, I have learnt that now. God is the reason I humble myself to do what I do. He is the one who has carried me thus far. He is the one who will carry the elects into their own term. It's a beginning for them, and for us too. The beginning of our end.

God's will for the elects of the 36th Students' Council is unknown. We seek, we hope, we pray - but we are uncertain. Regardless, we have faith.

As I look back and join the dots, some of them don't match up. I've missed some. But I've found others; others I never knew existed. Our last month in office - I will keep searching. I will find what God's will for us was and has been.

Memories from June Camp 2011: (in no particular order)

Justin's indecipherable groaning

Koi from Roi - Guess howmany pearls?

Milo Balls

Banner erection

Geri's ninja points

speed HTHTs...while ushering

Mad group; retarded Fac time HAHA

Guarding the Lee Wee. With Rachel, and without Rachel

HAPpy birthday

Make-shift beds

COCKROACHES

Scolding worms HAHAHA

God's presence

I give my life, to honour this

WHOOPASS indeed

2011-06-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so busy smiling you didn't have time to react? It's cute isn't it

The buzz word around town recent has been: PLAYA. I've told a few of my closer friends about the context of this pseudo gangsta word...And it's gotten me thinking a bit. But life's not all bad so I've been dealing with it, and deriving happiness from other means :) :) :)

I just haven't met you yet

2011-05-30T19:36:00.001-07:00

Crazy day yesterday:

540am wake up grumpy

6am arrive in school

615am depart

WALK FOR 12 KM; arrive...take lotsa beautiful photos <3

10+am arrive back in school

(lost in time and space)

banner erection...forever; though it was some koolioz fun; with macers and a good chat with chelly in between YAY

445pm leave school in a hurry to come home and shower

545pm leave home in a hurry bound for raffles city

SINGAPORE WALK TO ESPLANADE cos we were gonna be late

720pm arrive in esplanade - in time!

AEWF <3 with adon olam <3 <3 <3 Lotsa photos, met lotsa people

1040pm jump an 8 people queue into a cab bound for clementi! Yes!

11pm arrive home...yeah.

Such a great day, mostly. But still wouldn't have traded it for the world!

Today:

(had trouble waking up with a dead phone and no alarm; plus a hurting throat :()

930am finally woke up

mulling around not being able to locate my pencil case

1004am start blogging as therapy haha

1009am decide to change and get ready before starting work

1130am leave for vivo city!!!

Lunch with salers, yacht with salers, dinner with salers

10pm call mommy to tell her I'm done

Wednesday:

Study.

Thursday:

should I go for banner erection? :s

2-4pm JCAH meeting

Friday

Bailamos PLEASE

Saturday

PCT #4

2011-05-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks for Semester 1.

I'm quite a normal girl. I have a good family. I'm in a good school. I've come from good schools. A straight path, really. I like shopping. I like looking at pretty things. I like watching ANTM. I like korean dramas (epitomised by my single exposure to the one and only Boys Over Flowers); no scratch that last one, I absolutely adore korean dramas (hence forth referred to with the arbitrary symbols BOF) to the point where I fantasize about how my life might just be unfolding as the leading lady Jandi's does - y'know, the whole zero to hero, hanging out with rich hotties, holidaying in beautiful exotic places, medicine... hehe for that last bit, YEAH I WISH.

I'm so extraordinarily normal it's gross.

Love. Unimaginably powerful. Grace beyond belief. You can't love others if you don't love yourself, or so I've heard. Perhaps it works in reverse? When you set up fortresses that keeps the world out, you end up keeping this love you've been blessed with in, making hard to give away. It's come to a point where it's only exciting; this momentary exhilaration but fleeting, transient, I feel like I don't care for your feelings. But thing is, I do. And I like to think that it's because I do, that I detach myself. But that's just me.

I'm pretty sure this isn't normal, the way things happen to me. Life's interesting like this aye?

Regardless, I've met and discovered more about some great friends. I earnestly pray we stay this way.

So yes, Hello June break. Make it the best you've got.

Cos it's You who gives me strength; nothing is impossible!

2011-05-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

Our God truly does work in mysterious ways!

This week has really been filled with extremes of swoops and dips. Extremely angsty and very much bothered by somethings, that, in retrospect are actually such trivial matters. And thank God for them though, because I know that somehow there is some good that will come out of all this.

For one, I've experienced the joy of friendship, old and not so old. But for now, I just hope to learn to be a good friend back.

Getting my offer to apply for early admission is insane as well. It's big and I am honoured. Sometimes thinking about it makes my head swell so much that I fear and am very much overwhelmed. Yet simultaneously I am so humbled and motivated to give off my best.

I am so undeserving, yet my good God has always been there. I pray my friends will get the opportunity to experience just joy everlasting and peace transcending all boundaries and love unexplainable too.

2011-05-04T07:13:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just begin to doubt, begin to question. Circumstances, people, yourself... Miss the days everything was fine. Everything was bright. So much promise, so much hope. When was the last time you were genuinely happy? not the transient fit of laughter, superficially skimming the surface. Pride, unconfident. Busy, but lazy. When people being noticing you for the wrong reasons. Things aren't supposed to be going this way. Listening to the same songs on repeat. Waiting for results, waiting for answers. Or perhaps the right questions. Sinking but that might be a good thing too.

2011-05-01T09:25:00.001-07:00

"Sleepy isn't part of our vocabulary in council" - this phrase came to me as I stay up past my original planned bedtime. I get overwhelmed by fatigue when I even just move into close proximity of Nitrogen Compounds notes....But when I decide to spend some time for my council, my mind perks up and the world seems to come alive! ...but then the next phrase evolved almost immediately after: "It's do or die" HAHAHA curious how our subconscious minds work isn't it.

Well this week has been...interesting. Busy, not really, still managable but I've been lazy hehe. "Exciting" things have happened, I wish I could say too exciting for my liking haha, but knowing myself, que sera sera right? See if fated anot. haha

Ups and downs, with people around me it's been good. But, nothing truly satisfies a restless heart than the peace of God. I was extremely bothered this Sunday morning, the ride to church seemed out of place and very uncomfortable. It didn't help when I got to church and none of my year was there. I cried out to the Lord - Why let these things happen? I'm still searching for answers, but thank God for opening up my heart to wanting to know.

I often get distracted from what I do know are the priorities in my life. These distractions come in many forms (too many to list here :p) But time and time again, I've been reminded of God's goodness in my life and am given the opportunities to realign my focus.

I thank God for my lifegroup. For my friends - church, school and elsewhere. For my family. For my council (especially my Exco). For my class. For ACJC. For love, joy, peace and hope. For Sarah Sim. For my close friends who have touched my life, whether I've known them long term or not. For His love everlasting.

2011-04-24T07:29:00.003-07:00

He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today!

He walks with me and talks with me

along life's narrow way.

He lives, He lives, salvation to impart!

You ask me how I know He lives?

He lives within my heart.

2011-04-23T07:34:00.003-07:00

I'll tell all my friends, that I think you're staring

and you'll say the same to yours

Everything will be Whoopass.

2011-04-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

I've never had the habit of titling my posts. but there you go: Whoopass.

In perspective, mine is but a rock in the shoe. Peas compared to the catapulting boulders being hurled around elsewhere.

But I guess at every point in our lives, we each have our own little battles to fight. It hurts sometimes, to feel loathed. As much as you'd like to reassure yourself that everything will turn out for the good, as much as you have faith and not fear what your limited vision allows you to see - it's tough.

I make this promise to myself though: that I won't let it get me down. Life's too short and precious for that. I've been given too much to let it all go to waste.

"You've already won the battle, and You've got great plans for me"

2011-04-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:28 (New International Version, ©2011)

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Praise God for a great week. Friends who stay and care. Highs and lows. Somehow that longing for continuity; I guess there's always the want to feel needed. or perhaps the need to feel wanted? But knowing also that it's time to end.

I feel like eating porridge now.

2011-04-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

How often I take for granted the littlest of things - like a friendship that had stood the test of time. Things like these don't come easy in this day. Don't ever spoil it with thinking too much.

2011-04-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, something significant enough has happened for me to blog. It's one of those things that don't require much brain, just evoked enough out of me to feel the need to process here.

Wednesday:

Our term exam results were released. The culmination of the first 9 weeks of our last year in compulsory formal education came down to this. This slip of paper with 5 letters in a single column that could make or break one's reputation, to be the deciding factor for decisions of paramount importance, that had the potential to evoke a maelstorm of emotions. (ok so I exaggerate, a bit. But overall) Yeah, I'd say it was pretty nerve-wrecking.

The entire day was a ball of nuts - from back to back lessons (typical Wednesday), to anticipation of Council Matters in the afternoon, to Alice ushering till late at night.

When we got our results slip with the final grades during CCP period at the end of the school day. As per normal, Mr Sun shuffles into class with an unreadable expression sitting plainly on his face - I guess he was playing it elusive; didn't want to jump the gun.

As I stared disappointedly at my results slip, Mr Sun went ahead with his useful (albeit drepressing) reality check about how somebody somebody had gotten straight A's "Good job, keep up the good work" with >90 percentile for each of them... and someone else did so and so well...... And well, the list just seemed pretty long. And obviously I was not on that list. Sitting nearer the rear end of my class, literally and figuratively, I fell into some sort of a daze that left me in a contemplative silence.

I don't like comparing results. I just know I didn't do as well as I could/should have; and that tells me I need to work harder.

Friday:

I get to school early on April Fools in preparation for our little joke. haha. And oh, surprise! apparently the list of top students is out. (silent mgroan in me - my results in no way warrant me a place on that list) Justin runs to confirm that he is on, and deservingly so. Good for him. He comes back and talks about some arbitrary stuff...and then the conversation drifts to a point that he goes "Abi you're on the list also what". So i'm like WHAT SERIOUSLY. stun.

So yes, by the grace of God and a miraculous turn of events, I find myself on the list of top students for Term results. I guess it isn't so much a "miracle" perse that my name is on - it's just because I didn't know how to calculate my uni admission score, and no one else knew my grades, hence it was unexpected. the real miracle was how God was with me in the entire year so far (this just for specificity sake, He's actually been with me forever) in the exam hall, during tests, during studying, during Orientation, during my highest moments, and my lowest. All this time, he has been my strength, despite my unfaithfulness.

I give off my best to be a role model for my peers and my juniors. For them to see that if you put in the effort it is possible to be ambitious and succeed in achieving academic goals, at the same time to grow in your character, and all at once serve the college, and Christ. But above it all, for them to know that if we commit our ways to the Lord, He will determine our steps; He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Truly, I don't deserve any of the glory. All honour goes to the big G man up there.

2011-03-27T06:36:00.001-07:00

dare I say I don't want to do this anymore?

2011-03-16T09:57:00.001-07:00

you said "tomorrow", but tomorrow never came.

2011-03-15T20:08:00.001-07:00

2011-03-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

As the river cuts his path,

Though the river's proud and strong

He will choose the smoothest course

That's why rivers live so long

They are steady, as the steady beating drum

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend

Waiting just around the riverbend

2011-03-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

What are words, if you really don't mean them when you say them
What are words, if they're only for good times then they don't
When it's love yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

2011-03-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

When we allow the passion in our hearts to motivate us rather than seeking human approval, what we do can truly bring glory to the God we serve.

"And where the journey may lead you,

Let this prayer be your guide

Though it make take you so far away

Always remember your pride" ~Lion King

Absolutely Spectacular.

2011-03-11T18:22:00.001-08:00

my heart just isn't there anymore;

2011-03-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

TERMS R OVERRR

Doesn't really feel like, though it does feel good to chillax a little and not sit in bed at 2am trying to cram some stuff into my head. Overall I'd say terms were alrighttt, better than expected; but then again I didn't expect much to begin with. Results will only be out in term 2. From now till then, IMMA B STADYING.

I've found myself to be very poor with commitment. A recurring nagging pain in my poor brain that i have been trying to conquer for the longest time. In the short term, seeing how we are in the season of lent, i decided to put into practice this commitment thingy by restraining myself from sweet drinks for these 40 days. I kinda broke it already, by gulping down $6.50 worth of Mermaid (mango) freeze over lunch. Regardless, starting tomorrow, with the exception of morning juice that I need to kickstart my daily healthy regime, only PLAIN WATER. (i feel my body wincing in response to this statement already) In the long run, i have resolved to giving my all for A's. I don't want to look back and leave space to say "i should have..."; i don't want to disappoint. God willing, i will do well for my A levels this year. Enough said.

-

Ironically, just as i scrunge my face up in anticipation of my new convictions, i went out with my classmates after school on Wednesday. 18 years of Miss Won Pei Thig and just over a year of golden friendship; we are blessed to have such a retard in our lives. Singing happy birthday and embarrassing her to death at every (and i mean EVERY) stop was tiring, so paying $6.50 to chill in a nice seat wasn't too bad. Initially we couldnt decide what to watch. There was gnomeo and Juliet, finding mr destiny (korean show!), some scary shows... But being the very gracious and compromising class we are, we choose Adjustment Bureau. (spoiler alert: do not read if you do not wish to have the movie spoiled)

It's basically a reenactment of how a very incompetent version of a god would control our lives. Despite having a plan, and the power to steer our lives according to this plan, things still happen by chance. The protagonist (Matt Damon) fought all forces of the Adjustment Bureau to woo the girl of his dreams, whom he apparently met "by chance"-the girl was in no way part of The Plan. Through a complicated course of events that left me befundled (good thing I had bubble tea to make up for it... WHICH I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING) in the end, surprise surprise, he managed to fight all forces of fate that were pushing them apart and was eventually released from the system as his reward for trying so hard.

I have this thing about fate. I mean we all know that God has a big plan for us all. But how do we draw the line where it is "not fated" or "just an obstacle for us to FIGHT against?". I'm still trying to figure out if I have the mental tenacity to go cold turkey saying "not fated" at the littlest of things. It's become somewhat of a habit really.

Or perhaps if we look at it from another way. Ignore the option of divine intervention for a moment, is it right to allow someone else to control your life? You know what you want, you know how you feel, you may have different perceptions from them about certain issue, which would amount to you making different decisions altogether. Should someone else have a say as to what your life looks like? Even though they claim to know the bigger plan?

Blows your mind, doesn't it?

2011-03-04T18:50:00.003-08:00

Trains, Math Revision Packages, Having Nothing To Say

2011-03-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

I detest the way I'm posting nowadays - So lame and typical teenage. haha but whatever, one day I'll look back on my archives and laugh (or gag) at how lame I was as a kid.

My friends know enough but they don't everything, cos I don't tell them unless they ask specifically. I figured it gets annoying hearing someone ramble on about subject matter revolving around themselves all day long.

As much as I've avoided preoccupying my life with unnecessary...stuff... Somehow it just comes. And it's been fine, as good as good gets. But almost always it ends abruptly. Maybe that's the way I want it. or rather, wanted it. But just this once, perhaps it didn't have to be? Oh well, it was.

I used to believe in fate; and would have dismissed this as trivial, fated, accept it, and move on. But somehow it's been made harder than before. it's like stretching a rubber band soooo much, so much so that when you let it go, it snaps the hardest.

People don't need to know this and they don't. Because you've made it nothing at all. What is there to talk about?

2011-02-28T04:08:00.000-08:00

Back to December,

You kiss my smile

and I pull you closer

spend a while just getting to know ya

I i iyai will be fine,

just say you'll stay forever mine.

I might be,

What you're looking for

Till we fall asleep, tonight

and I wish I could it was all black and white

but it's grey

Cos I wonder if I ever crossed your mind?

For me it happens all the time.

Lost in this moment now,

If only you'd remember

2011-02-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

I say Hey, You'll say Baby, How's Your Day? I'll say Crazy. But it's all gonna be alright;

Another week gone by, just the usual teasing, laughing, thinking.

Teasing me about my non-existent eyes, which I have to admit was quite funny; sure beats sitting through a dry (not to mention incomprehensible) complex numbers lecture, through which I was entirely clueless.

Our scone adventures never fail to amuse me to pieces. The things we do, that's what JC life is all about. I truly and very deeply love my class, every single one of them and I do thank God for blessing me by placing each and everyone of them in my class. We do make others jealous.

So often we go about thinking about what we lack, what more we could be having, how things could have gone... We forget to give thanks for what we do have, and forget to cherish every little blessing that comes our way. I definitely am guilty of that, especially in this past week. Wanting so much more than I need, or can afford to have. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Looking back at the past few months, there have been wonderful things that have transpired and I don't regret giving my heart and soul into making them happen, not even for a moment.

So often we are advised to commit each day to the Lord, but is this just putting the weight of our problems and responsibilities elsewhere, a form of escapism where we abandon all that we don't like in our lives somewhere (on someone) else? What I've come to realise over time is that it isnt a choice we have - we cant dump the bad and take the good to relish all to ourselves. While we know that God will carry our burdens for us, at the same time, all glory for good things comes from Him as well; the 2 come hand in hand.

Having said that, I've found myself becoming more girly lately. It's pretty disgusting really. Haha. Seriously, being a girl is so tiring - This whole htht thing is really driving me nuts. It does not work with me. But nonetheless, I guess it is quite interesting to hear my girlfriends go nuts over trivial stuff. Good for them. God bless their girly souls. HAHAHA

Give thanks, with a grateful heart;

2011-02-20T03:15:00.001-08:00

I have very nice friends. Too bad.

2011-02-13T05:21:00.000-08:00

This week:

I grazed my leg after walking too close to the concrete box that holds the tree next to the bleachers.

I got kicked pretty hard - but I guess a good hard kick is necessary sometimes. To jolt yourself awake and be forced to suck it up.

I remember how I used to be convinced being the quiet, reserved type was the kind of person I was destined to be. Not the loud, at times to the point of noisy, wild crazy type. I'm starting to think that might be true. I mean, very often we don't choose who we turn out to be; we just become, with what our environment allows. Which is sad, that people don't put in more effort to making themselves the best they can be. On the other hand also, some people just don't have that privilege.

2011-02-06T05:49:00.000-08:00

"And I'll praise You in this storm,

and I will lift up my hands,

for You are who You are,

no matter where I am.

And every tear I cry,

You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side;

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm."

2011-02-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when i am weak, then i am strong.

A common verse that is so powerful, and always comforting to hear. We all need reminding that there is a sovereign God who is always in control.

Today's devotional brought to light a more personal aspect of this verse: we might not be perfect, but we can be strong. In some sense it macrofies the whole idea also, because while it directly speaks of ourselves, it indirectly affirms the fact that our strength indeed comes from a divine source.

Our personal shortcomings, our flaws, they are vetoed by the strength of a mighty god. wow

2011-02-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

the times a blog comes in handy, when I don't really wanna say this to anyone in particular.

UGH next time don't tell you anything anymore.

Sometimes not fated.

2011-02-05T06:55:00.001-08:00

Today, I discovered something new:

Honestly, nothing in life is hard.

It's doing it in conjunction with other things that makes it hard.

E.g. Making a car move forward. All you have to do is hit the accelerator, really. The hard part comes when you have to turn and stop and maneuver around other maniacal Singaporean drivers that make it a tad bit more challenging.

E.g. Using flour to make cake. It's when you add in all the other ingredients that everything gets messed up and you end up with a hot rock.

E.g. doing well in school, and making council.

My poor brain just can't take this. Sad face.

On another note: Hello Agrim and Utkarsh :)

2011-02-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

I decided to post the emails I sent out recently to the 35ths, Adhoc and OGLs, because:

1. I like reminding myself of how my brain functions

2. I spent a lot of time crafting them

"OTAH and Clan Heads: We did it"

Hey OTAH and Clan Heads,

As the subject of this message says: WE DID IT.

you know, I look back on the past week and realise that time really does fly by. Nonetheless, 3 months of preparation for 1 week of intensive physically and mentally draining activity later, I can't help but smile and give you guys the biggest fireworks I've ever done.

Looking at the past week, thinking through each day as it passed, there were highs and lows, ups and downs. After it all, when I finally returned to my family, my mom asked me what I thought of orientation. I told her, it was better than anything I could have asked for.

And truly so. I have had the priviledge of working with such a capable bunch of 35ths and 8 special people who are so willing to give of themselves for others. It was tough along the way, seeing and feeling the consequences of our mistakes and oversights, and never really getting enough credit for anything. but, thank you.

Thank you for sticking it through with me nonetheless. Right through the hols - the nights I made you guys stay back so late for debrief. The mornings I made you all come so early. And through the course of each day when I groaned and complained to you about what now looks like the most mundane and stoopid things. or when I just gave in and was altogether blunt with you whether to your face or over the phone. Thank you for not hating me and instead, being all the more encouraging, forgiving me, and taking good care of me.

When I told the OGLs about having pride - pride for the college and pride of what we do, I knew what the pride was supposed to be like but very honestly at the point in time I myself was not entirely sure what this pride was supposed to feel like. It was very idealistic and sounded nice, but all in theory. But now, I know what it feels like. To look back at the fruits of our labour and give the kawnfurm-with-chop-cos-we-did-our-best and it came out awesome.

For the 35ths, after this is vday (go fern!) elections and june camp. Then we will outvest and our term will be over. No one knows which adhoc you're gonna do next, or if you'll do one at all (cos the teachers haven't approved our proposed list haha). But regardless, how are you going to use what you've gained from Orientation to pull our council up to the next level? Especially for those who were MIA for a while cos of supp papers... don't leave anyone behind.

Above all, while we thank each other and everyone else, as we relish each photo and 'like' each comment on fb about orientation, there is one last thanks we owe. For being the One who sees and knows all, who planned and saw the product of orientation before we even formed as the adhoc and before we had interviews to choose OGLs. Who made it rain when we were safely indoors, who brought the sun out when the time was right. our efforts were commendable, our cheering made the weather go nuts, but through it all, we've had the assurance from Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

All glory and honour goes back to Him who made it all possible for us in the first place.

Have a good rest of this long weekend, happy rabbit year. and see you all around school :)

Love, Abi

For OTAH: (y'all didn't think my email ended there did you?)

Haha we aren't exactly entirely done yet :)

There are 3 parts to every process in life:

1. Preparation

2. Execution

3. Follow-through

Chew on it; it's really true

Anyways, hence, Post Mortem date:

9 February 2011, Wednesday 230-430pm (I realise this is CCA exhibition day; but nonetheless, until further notice, this is the date)

Venue: TBC

Prepare before Wednesday:

1. Report (for your position, in the form of a letter to your junior)

- If there are 2 of you who did the same thing, y'all can collaborate and put your individual parts together. Please think through the entire process carefully and thoroughly. This is so our 36ths juniors will have something super solid to work on and make Orientation 2012 super awesome for us when we come back as j3s to crash HAHA.

- Bring a hard copy for me to check on Wednesday and I will let you know if there are more changes to be made.

- On wednesday, also please bring any soft copies of final documents in a thumb and check against what i have in my computer.

2. Reflections letter

- this is your own personal thought and reflections of being in OTAH 10-11

- For Mr Fong and I to read :)

"Fun, Fireworks, Finished"

Dear OGLs,

I type this email to you on the night of our campfire, as I lie on my bed with my scratched phone. Indeed, orientation has left many tangible marks in our lives, and marks a milestone of our time here in ACJ.

I've seen you guys come a long way since the first time I had a good laugh as I scanned through your unglam photos on your application forms. At the point in time, I really had no clue who half of you were or what you were like. And I hadn't the faintest idea what you guys would turn out to be.

3 months later, I can't help but grin foolishly to myself as I think about how you all amused me with crazy antics - neverending boleh, victory in the lightning alert, sick walk-in moves, the way guilt flashes across your eyes each time I walk past and catch you with your shirts untucked or committing some other crimes unmentionable; you guys have got to be the happiest bunch of people to be wet, sticky and smelly covered in mud, toothpaste and who knows what else.

Thank you for all the times you have humoured me (with fireworks, swearing to drink water and sleep early etc) and listened to my stories in the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for your hearts in being willing to give off your time and effort in preparation for our last week. All in all, thank you for all your hard work and energy in cooperating with my adhoc and I to make d'ACland: Orientation 2011 a resounding success.

I wonder if you remember on the first day of OGL day camp I shared what was supposed to be 1 of 3 words that would eventually spell out an acronym. the letter I shared was: O.

O for Open. To be open to learning through your journey as an OGL, open with your juniors and being open as in being real, and not trying to be someone you're not.

Well honestly speaking, I never did get round to continuing with the last 2 letters because I couldn't decide on a second word. At that point in time, the word I had in mind just didn't seem to have that oomph factor; it didn't quite seem right. But now, looking back, I'm glad I didn't say it then. Because now, it really and finally makes sense.

The second word of the acronym I have for you is G for Gratitude. On my part I have much to give thanks for - you guys, a big part of my thanks pie. But for all of us, as OGLs, and as ACJC, there are things we just can't be thankful for enough. Indeed God's grace has been upon our college, a fine example (pun not intended) being the weather during orientation. Truly there is no explaining how it rained right through the intro lectures every morning, yet stopped just as lunch time ended for our games to resume. How it rained right through the weekend, so much so that the field became a huge grassy pond but our games weren't affected cos we were given prior instruction not to disturb people training on it. And how on our last day, the weather held and we ended orientation off on a bright and sunny note.

The last letter I have is L. L for love. It may seem fluffy all, but love is something so powerful that it will sustain us for a long time to come. May you all continue to love what you do, love the people around you, and love yourself.

Aw, sappy. I know right. Haha

A few more things before you can finally breathe a sigh of relief - this is the last long email you will ever receive from me (I think):

A poor girl from frozone (morgen) has lost her red orientation package with blue jeans that have white markings on them, and a pink tshirt with musical patterns on it. It also has her sports complex form in it. It seems she is rather distraught at this loss so please text out to your OG kids and see if anyone accidentally nabbed it.

Also, we will be leaving all lost and found items at the sales corner of the council room (Oldham level 2) which is open every day 445-545pm except wednesday from 215-315pm. If no one claims it, these items shall be on sale at our next jumbo sale and all proceeds will go to the Abigail Injury Fund.

Please keep in touch with your OG reps and make sure they do the attendance and listen out for other announcements during assembly as the OGs will stick together for the coming week post CNY. classes will only come out on 14 Feb, Monday.

That is about all I have for you. It's gonna be a mindblowing roller-coaster ride ahead as we get busy with CCAs and gear up for competitions, all at once while staying focused on the big A at the end of the road. Here's wishing you all the best and success in all that you set out to do. Hope you guys have a blessed rabbit new year ahead, and a well deserved break over this extremely extended weekend. God bless you beautiful people.

Cheers,

Abigail Nyam

(Okay so I didn't exactly write this one; but it's nice to read anyway :))

Dear 35ths,

Here's a text I received in the middle of campfire night. Some of you were not present for orientation or the campfire, but hope you've heard or found out about the good stories from orientation and managed to get a feel of it nonetheless.

It was sent to me by lianne, on behalf of the 34ths who had come to crash orientation, almost every day haha:

(Read this out to your 35ths k)
Dear 35ths,
When we heard your orientation theme and all,the reaction was..."..." Hahahah. Nobody was sure how and even if you guys would pull it off. And right now I'm staring down at a dancing hall of 1000+ people,including yourselves. I think I speak for a lot of the 34ths when I say that I'm crazy proud of you guys for what you have achieved. Please tell your OGLs that they did a fantastic job because council can only do so much and clearly the kids have been touched by the OGLs. So really. If I was actually with you,I'd applaude you.so yes. A job really well done :D

Rmb to thank our big big G.O.D as well cus the weather itself was a miracle yeah.and you've got such spirited batch of juniors,such a blessing.

Cheers, Yours truly, the 34ths.

Many other seniors have texted also, though they didn't explicitly say to tell you guys. stuff like "i'm envious" (HEHE) and all... basically they are proud of us :) and I am proud of us too!

So, keep giving off your best. and stay together 35ths :) Find yourself, find each other, and find yourselves in each other. We have half a term left; regardless of how the first half went, make this last lap count :)

Happy Rabbit new year!

Abi

2011-02-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

d'ACland: Orientation 2011; Here you leave today, and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy.

The past we inherit,

The present we create,

but for those who hope, work and play,

The best is yet to be.

The past week was a blur. With highs and lows, d'ACland brought us all on a rollercoaster ride of our lives.

As much as I'd like to claim credit for all that has transpired over the past 3 months, I just can't. It is too humbling a thought - that the magnitude of the event itself and hence the multitudes of people involved - we share the joy of success. Over and above all that, what fills the vacuum in my heart is the fact that God's sovereignty made it all possible. I am put to shame that such selfish thoughts ever crossed my mind.

I still can't quite fully grapple with it; perhaps it's a combination of orientation withdrawl, fatigue and sheer brain malfunction. Mr Fong sent me a good reminder of taking things slow to fully appreciate things in entirety.

My mind is jumbled at the moment. I need to just clear it. Delete. All my crazy thoughts and worries gone. As if it were that easy. Sad face. haha

I want more nights of SMOCAPping and to live in tuition. and campfires. The adrenaline that occupies me leaves no room for anything else.

2011-01-20T06:15:00.001-08:00

it's curious

We're a generation of obsession, of passion. We go gaga over rapidly changing fads, the newest iPhone, the latest korean drama or a hit on the radio. We immerse ourselves in what we love. Especially those of my generation, hormones raging and all (haha), you want something you go all out and get it; no hesitation, no fear.

But it's ironic, how easily we take for granted the most fundamentally important things in life.

Things we too often forget to give thanks for:

1. Relationships - family and friends; Love

Families, like it or not, are what we have. Perhaps some families may come with struggles, I daresay we all do. But through thick and thin, they are what has been given to us. Parents nag, the howl and make us feel and look like fools. But deep inside, they care. As we grow up we find loopholes in their arguments with us, we discover how incredibly stupid we were to fall for it, we find how they have weaknesses too. Perhaps they don't know how to express themselves. Afterall, they are only human.

Friends. I'd be the first to admit, I'm not the best of friends. And over time, I'm slowly coming to learn why... I can't do commitment. I withdraw, fearing loss. I don't invest enough in my friendships, I don't show enough how much I really do care. God has been so awesome, surrounding me with so many friends; as evidenced by the hall incident, fb and my text inbox just over my birthday. Truly, I am blessed. And honestly, I don't treasure these friends half as much as I should.

2. Opportunities

Life throws us a bundle of yarn. We can choose to have some fun, mess around get tangled in it; lost and unable to bring ourselves out. Or, we could make wise choices, and yknow, knit a scarf, or something.

Bottomline is, life's what we make it. Finding your own joy in life, searching for meaning in what you do. People don't see how important that is until it's too late. Or they know it, but dont do anything about it. Or something big happens, and then.

It hurts to see friends lose their way. To come in inspired and raring to go; yet slowly deflate and lose sight of their goals. Get distracted - Am I?

2011-01-13T07:01:00.000-08:00

could it be; that i just am not the one. maybe i'm not who you want me to be, who you expected me to be. how do i respect? how do i trust? how do i strike the balance.

i've convinced myself that i wouldn't fall into a trap like this. i wouldn't allow my confidence to be shattered by other doubting me. i've given my best, and have god on my side. if god is for me, who can be against me?

but why.

why are such challenges sent my way. to plant even that little mustard seed of doubt. why do i let myself fall into such a trap.

i guess when i braced myself for challenges this year, i overlooked just this one little factor. or perhaps i just never imagined it would have come from you.

2011-01-02T05:09:00.000-08:00

The new year is here the new year is here! Doesn't quite feel like it.

I think I'm having 2010 withdrawl.

2010-12-25T04:02:00.000-08:00

I've got a front row seat to history.

Don't give up, just be you. Because life's too short to be anyone else.

2010-12-25T03:58:00.001-08:00

Denial - homework, on Christmas night. Don't tell me; I don't wanna know.

Maybe if we listen hard enough, we'd find that we're all plugged into the same song.

2010-12-23T23:33:00.001-08:00

Leaving soon for NZ, where I'll be spending my Christmas and New Years with my sister, parents and grandparents.

Gotta say, although I'm pretty excited, I'll miss Singapore. and my friends new and old.

This holidays has been pretty eventful, I'd say; in surprising and very much unexpected ways. It hasn't really been a usual holiday. Less work done (hehe), more going out and chilling and somehow just not hanging with the usual bunch that I've been with every year till now. I miss our church group, and laughing my head of whenever I'm with them. At least I know even when I get back after 9 days away, they'll be here waiting for me. I wonder if the rest will?

I've learn a lot over this hols also,

about the transience of relationships

and have been amazed, and humbled,

at how others can be so lasting.

I've learnt to be grateful for what I have,

and not to keep hunting for more.

I'm happy for my friends who have found

(or refound,

or are finding)

God,

and I'll keep praying that the rest of them do too.

Lastly, and undoubtedly,

Through it all,

God has been da bomb.

you are forever in my life, you see me through the seasons.

See you all soon; Blessed Christmas to you and your loved ones, and have a Fantasmo 2011 :)

2010-12-21T19:28:00.001-08:00

Y'know there are some people that you just are happy to be around because they make you happy, regardless of how you're feeling? Like my pohpoh! who never fails to hurl us into fits of laughter, making our stomachs "curl up" with her crazy antics.

Or some people who just bring you back down to earth and make you feel sane all over again.

Can I be that too?

2010-12-20T16:14:00.000-08:00

Y'know when people say stuff like "I'm bad at/dislike goodbyes" yeah I think I know what they mean. It's come so bad to a point where I don't want to get close to anyone, because when it's time to say bye, to move on with life, you sit there and don't know what to do.

It might have something to do with me being very resistant to change, especially change that affects me personally. Changes in timetables, changes in systems I am usually pretty alright. but changes in environment, changes in behavior... I cannot take.

I hate how I often intentionally withdraw, worse still consciously. I don't like getting close to people. And I figure it's pretty hard for people to get to know me.

I remember in primary 5 we had to write a journal entry on our greatest fear. I wrote that mine was being lonely. Like, in recess, I had never sat by myself before. I wouldn't walk around school alone. I wouldn't sit and be alone. At this very moment, I sit in the void deck, next to my usual pillar studying (supposedly,) by myself. Strange how people turn out eh.

Yucks don't like this feeling.

2010-12-20T04:10:00.000-08:00

205 by tomorrow. I promise myself.

make that twice. crunches.

2010-12-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'd shamefully admit that I haven't been the best in setting aside quiet time to think and stuff this hols. It hasn't been particularly bad perse, but seeing how I'm having a bit more time on my hands... well, suffice to say there's more I could be doing. But regardless, God's love and mercy never did depend on my own commitment; and hallelujah for that! :)

So yes, one of the devotions I had recently was "Being Chosen".

Jesus said, "You did not choose me but I chose you." John 15:16 (NSRV)

The verse is plain and simple, but speaks volumes of Gods love for us. Love that transcends all our shortcomings, that embraces us for who we are, the good and the bad. It's been really hectic these past months, and I won't say everything has been smooth sailing. I guess it's only natural that I doubt, as much as I'd like to say my faith comforts me and tells me otherwise. But yes, in moments of anxiety, when the pressure sets in even for a split second, you sit there with the world whizzing by and you ask yourself "Why me?" Deep inside, you know that ultimately God has a great plan for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. But just for that moment, you falter.

The knowing that someone somewhere out there has handpicked you like strawberries being plucked from the ground in a field of green splashed with red and tad bit of brown here and there under a glittering blue sky with clouds ambling back and forth... the imagery it paints, is just beautiful. I guess deep inside there is that need in all of us to be accepted. or rather, to be wanted.

Perhaps thats just a feature of human nature we should come to accept - that it is inevitable for us to fall into this trap of only reciprocating love when it has been given to us. It's hard to love someone when that person won't give you the light of day, I guess that kinda makes sense. But would we give up chasing that ole fated one just because that ofo didn't love you back? If you knew I loved you that much, would you feel obliged to love me back? Haha don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound like a loser being deprived of love. I guess if you really think about it, it's a pretty lonely thought. But really, it's just the idea that fascinates me.

Love is a choice, can you love someone you don't even know?

Christmas is a time to remember Gods love for us. This love came before we even existed, much less decided to love God. and truly, this love is powerful. powerful, ttm!

Speaking of Christmas, I love it. love love love it! love the smell, love the sound, love the feel. Though I'm gonna miss everybody back home, still looking forward to spending it with family, somewhere in a car driving round, most probably. But fantasmo, nonetheless.

And it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted

all at once, everything has shifted; now that I see you

2010-12-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

How easily I allow myself to be distracted, tied down by everything.

As much as I'd like to be the energizer bunny many people think I am, I guess deep aside, as much as I'd detest admitting it, I really am the homey sort. Example: In concerts I'd much rather sit and listen than jump around in the mosh pit. During parties I feel like curling up on a comfy sofa and playing monopoly deal. For Seniors Night next year, I've already planned on getting people who will actually sit and eat with me to be at my table; and not go galavanting around the ballroom taking photos. My idea of fun is sitting in a train all day watching the world whiz around like a time traveller. Or hanging around with a bunch of friends and sitting and talking for hours. These are things imagine, but never quite come through.

My thoughts are inconclusive. To be continued.

Perhaps I miss you so.

2010-12-06T18:12:00.001-08:00

Fate? haha it gets pretty amusing. Especially when it boils down to a checkered shirt.

Got back from Tokyo, Japan early yesterday morning and OMG i've missed everyone since the moment it dawned upon me that we were coming home - on the last night we were there :(

the GP/academic aspect was definitely enriching; looking back, the teachers really did a fantastic job planning the itinerary for us. Truly it is live till old, learn till old HAHA. and also, the nightly discussions blew my head off, both figuratively and what seemed to be literally (whether it was because it was so warm indoors or just that the discussions were so intense, my head was throbbing every night haha)

But the best part is with the new friends I've made. gawsh if I can't imagine, if i hadn't gone on the trip...I'd never know any of them! I guess that's fate, kinda. haha. Though I must say, I've honestly never been exposed to such dirty jokes and streams of profanities ever in my life. It was like the world of swear words (in every language) compressed into 6 days. HAHA. truly, spending days away with a bunch of people you're pretty much forced to live with...you have no choice but to grow to love them. and I have :) Dirty jokes, gay (in both genders...in a totally clean, joking way) moments all aside, I'm glad to have spent the trip with this group of diverse, fun-loving and scandalous people. Wouldn't have given it up for the world.

Miss them enough to reactivate fb for them...what else can I say? :) haha

But it's back to reality, though I'm glad for the break. can't wait to see everyone (from all the other trips also) again! KKK 2011 I'M READY FOR YOU.

2010-11-25T07:12:00.000-08:00

How do you rationalise something like that.

Do you run?

Do you hide?

Do you disregard the most direct form of authority in life just for what you think you know is right? But then that also contradicts what has been instilled in your mind from a young tender age, that of obedience.

How do you criticize others who sign up for something that looks good on your resume when the decision-making process that you're being drilled with abides by that very basis. Or can you sweep it by with the wave of your hand, passing it off as a practical decision, one that is imperative. What does integrity mean to you?

How far will you let it go before you. just. explode.

Does anyone know?

2010-11-23T07:20:00.001-08:00

It is incredible. the amount of time I'm spending in school! 1 week of 2 camps back to back (thank God for Hari Raya in between) left me exhausted, physically, but moreso mentally. Nonetheless, they were amazing.

Past few days have been OGL interviews that have left me in fits of laughter. Mr Fong was right when he emailed me saying things are getting exciting...*let it sink in*OMG THEY ARE!!! But the sky is darkest before dawn, and truly the hard work is taking a toll on me. Having my mind wander constantly (perhaps from fatigue or otherwise) doesn't really help either. Gotta start focusing again.

One of my new friends I made through CCAAB told me this: If you love someone, you can be sure someone else loves you back. It's kinda warped logically... but he's an arts student - do you blame him? haha. But, in that warped, illogical, blindly believing way, it hits the chimes nicely and makes sense. Or at least to me, a hopeless sucker for anything that makes me happy (like cookies and jelly and disney channel movies), I'd like to believe that's true.

I've recently got myself hooked on this song: Forget you, Glee version. I love how music always has a way of saying what you mean in the best form, and ever so subtly: Though there's a pain in my chest I still wish you the best; I'm like, forget you and forget them too.

Anyway, Imma go hit the sack.

2010-11-10T06:38:00.000-08:00

day and day, time and time again, I amaze (and frustrate) myself with my lack of self-discipline. It is ironic, yet rather apt, i guess, how at our last GM we talked about just that - self-discipline. And it is indeed this lack of self-disclipline that has caused me to be incredibly lazy in not processing well, ANYTHING over these past days. Perhaps that's the reason for my feeling uninspired as of late.

MY NEW SLANT TO LIFE ISN'T REALLY WORKING OUT ATM. but it will, soon.

Sometimes I look at how everyone else is having such a good time fooling around in JC...but somehow I've never wanted anything like theirs; because I know that council is my thing, what I've always wanted to do, and what I can do, for ACJC. Sometimes, life just is that simple: Do what you love, stick with it, and find ways to show love to others.

I guess this plan kinda seems to go awry along the way...when people don't see past what they think you are. But I think I'm slowly learning to find peace in sticking to my convictions. I place my trust in God, that He will mould me, and work things out in His own time.

You are forever in my life; you see me through the seasons

2010-11-08T05:59:00.000-08:00

So, been feeling rather dry, uninspired and tired lately. Mostly my own doing, regrettably. However, no situation as such is unsalvagable....BY SOME PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE! *let it sink in*

K SO: Criteria for future life partner

#1 Must show be able to the detect the sometimes subtle, but always awesome, HSM references; and show appreciation and be affirmative of them.

#2 Must be able to carry trays of food. Preferably 2 at once, one for him, one for me. Cos I am incapable to doing so.

#3 Must know to offer me food or jelly or cookies or toblerone whenever I am grumpy or sleepy.

#4 to be continued

2010-10-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

SIGH school is so exciting.

Sharmila & I shared a monumental day today: Our last CHANESE BREAK...FOR THE YEAR 2010. We captilised on it and made all the more beautiful the sacred moment with our new discovery of SOUGONGMIAN. It was heaven in an hour. And indeed it was.

It was during this time I endowed a big whoop of geniousity on my ninja buddy avi - no decisions are ever made last minute. He didn't get it. hmm

Also, i was surprisingly awake for all my lessons today. Sleeping at 2 does weird things to the system. Perhaps it could have also been due to a Major overdose of caffeine and sugar in milk tea and ribena.

Perhaps the adrenaline rush made me suddenly very alert. So I not only stayed awake, and was perky and slightly looney... I also was very observant. hehe

But yes, this rush of energy sustained me through OP prelims. I really love our ASAFA! Another spark of geniosity: We only get along because we're all weird. people on the outside of our PW world can't believe how we all get along - they mostly assume we're having trouble. Sure we do, but the synergy that has come and is coming along is just fantasmo. Because of the sheer fact that we are all weird, a 'normal' person put amongst us would feel awkward and hence we considered 'weird' based on our weird norm. It's fascinating. GENIUS.

Also, yesterday I had a good chat with Michelle Chan while working on my (very impressive ;)) OP slides. IT WAS HILARIOUS

SO yes, another week conquered and very well at that. I enjoy school, A LOT. I can't imagine it any other way.

2010-10-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

oh gawsh

I've become so stupid and boring! Feel impending doom? Need to relieve some stress and take a (permanent) break of life? Try talking to me, you'll die of boredom.

I need to like, stop talking and start searching for my awesome socks.

2010-10-24T05:25:00.000-07:00

So, I deactivated my facebook account. And that has revealed to me how dependent I was on it to keep up with friends. It was my outlet for geniousity; where I would post funny statuses like "NO MORE CORNBE" or the random shiz about mitch hedberg. Every funny moment was encapsulated by a status. and OH the thrill of seeing people "liking" them. Encouraging people with verses; connecting with my buddies by tagging them in posts. and again, people "liking" your photos. An unexpected wall post. Keeping tabs on other people (hehe). All gone. The newsfeed was just too handy, linking one thing to another, catching up on each others lives. before it was via blogs (which seems to have gone outdated, of late). Nowadays when I log onto my computer I don't know where to go to. My email=work. Youtube=songs, which have always been necessary.

I guess I changing the direction of my life. I realise how immature I was (and still am :s), or rather, how much more mature I should be. It's so tough man, but looking at things, definitely necessary. I have no time for frivolous (albeit EXCITING hehe), random boy-crazy pursuits. It was fun while it lasted, I'd admit, joking about all the random stuff. but honestly, enough is enough. It's down to business.

It's crazy how much I see myself changing; And I'm just hoping it's change for the better.

So, recent changes: new found attempts at maturity, deactivation of facebook account, and hmm oh yes, PROMO RESULTS.

It is truly a demonstration of God's grace. I hang my head in shame yet never really bring myself to commit to giving wholeheartedly every ounce of glory to God for His countless blessings in my life. Especially for econs: from a U to a B!?!? HONESTLY. And everything else. Sure there were disappointments, but considering how much (or little) i worked...and how much effort I put in; truly it is grace alone. Straight B's, B for Blessings!!! I like that. haha

Far longer than forever, like no love every known...

And it as also dawned upon me, how I entertain myself with leaving people hanging. Like how I intentionally distance myself to leave people wondering. Not in a "hard-to-get" way. It's according to my theory, really. Like how when you get too comfortable with someone...it's time to move on.

When all else fades, my soul will dance with you. where the love lasts forever.

2010-10-21T08:17:00.001-07:00

To hibernation

2010-10-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a terrible P.

disgusting and detestable. I wouldn't trust me. Especially with this low self-esteem.

Maybe it's because of this, I am the way I am. Unmotivated, anti-social, just plain boring. And all these culminate in me being stupid and lazy. This brunt of low self-esteem couldn't come at a better time - promo results out tomorrow.

How to be strong for others when I'm like thattttt. Truly, deeply, disappointed.

2010-10-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Hm, how far does confidence go before it turns to complacency?

There are just somethings I am very sure of myself. Because I've been doing it, because I know how to do it. Such as thinking of things to share with people.. I won't say I'm very good at it. I have people I know who are awesome at inspiring - sincere yet easy to grasp and very meaningful, and i have much to learn from them. Such as organising events. I know I can pull events off well because I've been doing it. I've undergone training. I've conducted trainings. The process might not be perfect. But I know overall it will be alright.

This confidence comes handy when people feel secure. and people need to feel secure. That's why we love our parents. or rich, handsome, egoistic korean man. HAHAHA just kidding. But when does this confidence become a detriment?

Support, Protection, Security

2010-10-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

We hear people often pursue 5Cs in life: Car, Condo, Country Club, Cash, Credit Card

I've thought of 3Cs - a generic code for success: Care, Confidence, Cool
And Miss Ho nicely supplemented 2 more, just for me: Composed, Creative

& there you have it. my life goals simplified into an aliteration.

2010-10-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of you. Funny, you appeared shorter in my dreams.

As usual, my quest for a real-life Gu Jun Pyo has been on-going. Pretty exciting. But I'm also pretty content fulfilling my role as it is: the good girl who has it all in the palm of her hand. Hence, the crazy korean-man-hunting side of me is currently on semi-hiatus. Since the two roles clash like mentos in coke. People don't expect the students' council president to have time for such frivolous acts. Woe to ye whom the world expects such of.

No one really knows me, I guess I don't really let them...so no one bothers. Which I guess is fine by me; I don't blame them. They like me for who they think I am; who am I to complain, right?

Am I missing out on too much? What if I'm forsaking a lifetime of friendship, never getting to know a person for real... because of this. I guess there's a season for everything; and if we're fated. IF. then it will be. For now I'll just enjoy life as it is.

2010-10-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life tosses at us strange, unfathomable things that are seemingly too large to cope with.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~John 14:27

Growing up requires our full attention. Paul said 'Sleeper, AWAKE!' - loved that bit

2010-10-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA i love love love boys over flowers. specifically my dawling gjp. I really need to go find someone like him. He was so uber encouraging, even in the midst of my time of trial and tribulation. Here's the juice: Between wedneday morning's chem paper and thursday (today)'s afternoon bio paper I had a pretty long break. so i decided to indulge in a bit of korean fun. HAHAHA I turned on the ipad and gjp told motivated me by telling me it was ALLLLMOSST PARADAISEEEEE!!! aw isn't he just the sweetest most egoistic handsome thang.

anywayz I'm glad (& frankly quite relieved) to say I've survived past another milestone in my life: promos :) Perhaps it might not really seem much, but it was definitely a demonstration of Gods amazing grace. The results dont even matter anymore... (well figuratively) and there is just so much more to life. Grow my babeh, grow.

From now till then, I pine for gjp to come soon. hehe I LOVE BOYS OVER FLOWERS! <3

My exam quote: from deborah (after I give her a super effective run down of organic chem in 10 minutes at the bleachers, wednesday morning)"Abbyyyy you watch so much TV...how do you know all this???"

INVIGORATED

2010-10-03T10:23:00.001-07:00

2010-09-26T08:49:00.001-07:00

OH I CAN'T BELIEVE DOCUMENTING THIS MONUMENTAL MOMENT IN MY SPORTING CAREER SLIPPED MY MIND:
I now can empathise with Justin (Viola's boyfriend from She's the Man) felt as NINJA GOALIE.
During PE on friday we did handball. I automatically drifted towards the goalpost due to my...running issues. My classmates use this throw-the-ball-at-abi-standing-in-the-middle-of-the-net-hoping-she-dodges-so-the-ball-goes-in tactic...which, i must say would be highly effective....IF I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO DODGE IN TIME. being slightly retarded (in all scientific sense) at the end of a loong day/week of school, i used my lack of reactiveness to my advantage. first it was my inner right leg, near my knee. the ball bounced away immediately, much to the surprise of my extremely sporty teammates. What followed was really what blew their socks off. next was my left knee. then my spider-flexi arms. FINALLY. was the BIG BANG. truly 'BANG' does not even come close to doing it justice. In a true display of ninjality, as a last resort I deflected the ball much like how Po defended himself against TaiLung in Kung Fu Panda - with my belly. which was much more humourous and probably, ironically, more glamourous in the actual motion picture itself. In reality....well safe to say... IT HURT. but yes, the fats of Po juxtaposed with my rock hard abs brought the defense wayyyy up to +10000 on the Ninja Scale. Thank you abs.